Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
