since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
