Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
