She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
