phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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