I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
