Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
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