My sheets look like a crime scene.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
