drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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