I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
