I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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