Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize