he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
