So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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