Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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