I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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