His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
