Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
