for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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