I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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