Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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