Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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