Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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