He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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