i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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