I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize