RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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