Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
