i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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