ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
