i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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