How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
