Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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