you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
