does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
