I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
