Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
