I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
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