I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
