just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
