apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
