I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
