i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize
