No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
