The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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