What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
