if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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