I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
