he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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