omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
