And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
