Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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