Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
