but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
