If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Welp...herpes.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
