I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
