I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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