Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
