Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
