We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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