I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Randomize
