Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
